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| Get Into It |
Post 13
Concluding my call with 911, while knowing that Gerald’s banging would end sooner than later with either a trip
to the ‘pokey’ or a trip home-and then a trip to the pokey, made me feel much better…However, my mind was fully on Chimeze. I wondered if he
was doing ok. I even did a little Instagram detective shit, to make sure
he was still alive and see if he was well...Interestingly enough, the more
I looked, the less I wanted forgiveness from him. "He isn’t going to be able
to forgive," I thought. "Nope, not really." He had
already proven that, so why set my heart on wanting something I couldn’t get… When we last spoke, It had been over a year since I had last cheated on him, yet
we were no closer to him "believing the words that came out of my
mouth" than we were the day after it happened. It had begun to feel like a hopeless situation.
Febuary 2016:
I was resting on my bed, thinking
about Chimeze and the weight of our last meeting; I had confessed to cheating
on him for the past few months. It was a really sad moment, for both he
and I. I spared him the details of how good Gerald’s game and sex was,
but I admitted to lying about where I was staying: I had told him that I was
staying with a lesbian friend of mine and her mother. I had also admitted
to sleeping with Gerald for the past three months, while Chimeze and I were a couple.
To be honest, I was shocked by Chimeze's reaction to my words, as I didn’t know he
was capable of showing such emotion. It all rushed out of me, because we
were on a mission to find me some snow boots; I needed some and Chimeze was
tired of me trying to make rain boots work. I just couldn’t bear to watch him
carry on about sizeing, fit, functionality and the style of snow boot he wanted to
purchase for me. Nope, I am not that coldhearted and I didn't feel deserving of any gifts, functional or luxury, after the way I
continuously deceived him over the past few months.
I always made the excuse that I was a good
girlfriend to him, on the few occasions we would see one another. It felt
like I had two boyfriends, and I was doing my best to keep them both happy, but
since I didn’t live with Chimeze, he received the majority of the excuses when
I needed ‘me time’ or whatever.However, if I hadn't told him about the cheating, he would have never found out-because I was a good girlfriend to him; I met his needs. The charade was all over now, but I still
maintained guilt that he seemed to have no clue. To some women, it would
be cool that he had no clue - but I loved him and the cheating was not
intentional. I felt neglected; Chimeze always gave me the impression that
he wasn’t sexually attracted to me.
My first time feeling this way
occurred in Atlantic City, where I wanted to celebrate the new year loving on
the man I loved, but he wasn’t interested / his lack of hardness and follow
through showed he wasn’t interested in that. This mirrored an incident in
Toronto CA, where we had driven up to see the sights, and when I straddled him
in the hotel, he responded, "I’m not ready for all of that."
Keep in mind he paid for just about everything regarding this trip, and I
thought this was indicative of him wanting to change the nature of our
friendship to something more. In any event I was thoroughly embarrassed
and ashamed.
So, when Gerald offered me the love and attention, I so
desperately wanted and needed, but was lacking, from my now boyfriend , I
literally jumped on the opportunity. I mean, why not, I thought at the
time; Gerald is handsome, and willing to provide and treat me well; as well as,
or even better, than Chimeze ever has. A bonus being that he’s willing to underscore,
his attraction to me, with the loving, affectionate, 'claiming' behaviors I normally
see when people are coupled up. This reasoning, coupled with frustration
at Chimeze and lust, of course, propelled me forward.
I remember Gerald grabbing my
curly pony tail, pulling the holder out and fluffing up my hair. He
looked at me like I was a dope ass brownie; like I was a piece of cake from Del
Frisco’s Steak House. Then he slid me to the bed and reclined my body
backwards through light pressure on my neck. Next he butterfly kissed up
my thighs and licked me until I saw stars. Licking from my kitty kat to
my breasts, which were super hard, to my mouth he kissed me, took a firm grip
under my thighs and supported me while I rode him, more skillfully than I knew
I could, to an orgasm. Then he licked me to mine.
Then he pulled me into his embrace,
and rubbed my back until I fell asleep. When I woke up, he said,
"you need to break up with him. Now. I don’t want to share
you. As of this moment, you are mine."
I thought about all of the rejection
I faced from Chimeze. I thought about how he didn’t like PDA, kissing in
the car, and had never initiated sex with me. "If he isn’t attracted
to me, why does he keep holding on to me," I thought. Chimeze has a
solid history of dealing with second rate women, but I never thought of it as
his preference, until now. "Maybe he likes fat, unattractive
women," I thought, pondering all of the times he chided me for being so
needy for attention.
"I like attention," and I
will be the first to admit it. I never saw the problem with that,
especially considering that I don’t mind getting all of my attention from one
man, as long as he’s got it to give. However, as time passed, it just
felt like Chimeze didn’t have it to give; at least not to me. He had
friends all over the states, that he could get on a plane and go see – at the
drop of a hat; only notifying me by email that we couldn’t adhere to, what use
to be, a weekly dating schedule because his car was trapped by the snow.
As a Caribbean woman who watches a lot of "Judge Judy', when I am sick, “If
it doesn’t make sense, it’s probably not true.”
It didn’t make sense that he could
find a way to California, clear across the country, to see a woman-friend and
not across town, thirty minutes by car, to see the woman he said he loved.
I wasn’t going to call him out, as I was doing dirt of my own, and even
though I had told Gerald that I wanted us to put our sexual interludes on hold
until I had a chance to separate from Chimeze, I had a feeling Gerald was still
'getting his'- possibly from me. One morning I woke up, and 'my girl' felt
sore.
Orienting myself, looking around, I noticed an almost finished package of
'Zzzz-quil' on the table. Gerald doesn’t have a sleeping disorder.
When confronted, he admitted to the drugging: "But only to keep you
from feeling guilty Ryndra," he cajoled me, while promising not to do it
anymore.
I didn’t like that. That was
the first glimpse of Gerlad ‘the bad guy’ Peter’s. I was extremely
uncomfortable with the drugging for sex thing, but I didn’t really get angry
until I started finding out about the other women; and boy were there many.
He had online dating profile(s), went on dates, had racy pictures sent
from various women – at his job - on his phone, and then there was the time he
sent one of his side chicks dinner through my Grub-Hub account.
The straw
that broke the camel's back was that he was doing the same things he did for me
for another woman, who lived in his project and was a few years younger than
me. He would summon her when I wasn’t around and have her suck him off
for 40 bucks or so. She had a boyfriend as well. When I discovered
just how long this had been going on, I was disgusted and had to leave. I
only found out about the “real girlfriend” when I was scheduling a return to
gather my belongings and officially sever ties with this poisonous situation.
***
I was now over Gerald ; I recently moved out, and was “over him” as a person. As it turned
out, while he was whispering sweet nothings in my booty-hole, eating me like I
was the best filet mignon he had ever tasted; having me for breakfast, dinner
and on occasion lunch…he was entertaining a whole girlfriend and 'side
chicks-in-law.' The way I found out and the time it took to walk from his
door, the ride in the project elevator and the weight of many of my belongings,
in a shopping cart, made me realize just how hard deceit could hit. I
didn’t like how I was feeling and couldn’t allow Chimeze, someone who would probably
be known in the near future as :the man that was formally my man, find out the
truth -about me-from anyone else.
I knew how I felt when Gerald’s 'age
appropriate girlfriend' called me to put me in my place, and when he ultimately
choose her feelings over mine in the end. I had moved past that situation
in my mind, but each inquiry about the fit of one or more pair of shoes, by Chimeze,
felt like a bullet in the chest. We didn’t find any snow boots in the first
store we tried, but I mentally couldn’t go any further without telling him. So
I did. I told him to his face, and he tried to keep his balance and
lackadaisical attitude throughout. The only indicator of his anger occurred
when I got out of his car to protest his ‘too fast’ driving style. He responded
by speeding away, leaving me somewhere in the middle of a part of queens that I
was unfamiliar with. To his credit, he did come back, when asked, pick me up
and we continued the search for the boots elsewhere. However, once I spilled my
cheating guts, he bought the boots, and dropped me home-I got the feeling that
he wasn’t coming back; his lack of communication and the symbolic last purchase
had me feeling like I had been officially given the boot.
I didn’t blame him, but it hurt way
more than I expected it to. I spent the three days where he didn’t talk
to me, blaming the woman in the mirror. I didn’t answer my phone or
bother with social media; I needed to reflect, and reflect I did until I
noticed the notifications light on my phone flickering, like I was getting a
ton of notifications. More
than usual. It was numerous messages from Chimeze:
Chindu: "Call me."
Chindu: "I want to meet up and
talk. As soon as you can."
Chindu: "I broke my phone in
the car, pretty much right after I dropped you off - that’s why you haven’t
heard from me."
That was a lie, as I had seen new pictures, documenting his distress, all on social media -that time I took a break from taking a breakfrom social media- but, I was so glad he had some words for me that I let it slide.
Me: "How about you come over tonight,
when you get off work?"
Chindu: "Fine. See you
then."
I knew
things were going to be heavy, and it would be cowardly to put them off.
So even though I had a home girl visiting, when Chindu arrived, we dropped
her off home and went somewhere secluded to hash out the melodrama.
When it was all said and done, he
agreed to stay and even though I championed his ability to leave, I desperately
wanted him to stay, and was grateful to him, for deciding to grant me another
chance. I wasn’t proud of myself. I wasn’t happy with the way I had
treated him, and I really wanted to do better; I told him this in every
imaginable way. However there was just one thing:
"I’m glad we are working it
out, but I really don’t like how this all played out," I said, boring
holes into the the side of his neck. Chimeze continued to navigate the
road silently.
"I don’t think I can do
this…" implying what, I wasn’t really sure.
The car jerked to a stop, right in
the middle of an active roadway, causing me to fly forward and almost hitting
my head. "What are you talking about," asked Chimeze.
"You now, don’t want this?" He indicated himself in a
sweeping motion. I was silent, as I knew, by what I just stated didn’t
mean that, but I was trying to cut the tension and get what I really meant, out
in the open. "If you can cry like that, like you did back there, and
be unsure…then you need to get the fuck out of my car and walk your ass
home," he continued. "I mean it, Ryndra. I really do--"
Cutting him off, before I lost my
nerve, I explained myself: "I wasn’t talking about you. I was
speaking on the entire situation; involving me, you, Gerald…"
"Why are you even thinking of
that fucking clown? In my car? That’s disrespectful, Ryn! We
just talked about that shit too--" he stated. "Didn’t we also talk about
letting me finish my train of thought before interrupting or having emotional
outbursts," I said to his blank stare. "Good, now let me finish: As I
was saying, I don’t like how this all played out," starting over to keep
him from missing one drop of my logic. "I spent all that time
thinking that he and I were going to be together. So I never asked him
for money or made him do anything, I was just so happy to be living in the city
lines again, you know what I am saying?"
"I hear you. You have
mentioned that already, but what does that have to do with anything," he
interrupted.
"Stop interrupting me and I
will tell you," I purred, pushing his hat off his head, in an attempt to
disarm him. As he reached behind him to readjust it, I kept talking:
"I don’t like that he…Gerald is the only one who didn’t lose anything; you
lost your trust in me…" Chimeze looked like he was getting ready to
contradict what I had just said, but I pushed the palm of my hand towards him
to indicate that he needed to stop before he even got started: "…and I’ve
lost my faith in the validity of our relationship and he with his dirty dick
ways took me low. I don’t like that. He needs to pay, in some way.
How does everyone else pay but him?”
Chimeze nodded in agreement, looking
deep in thought at the steering wheel. Since he seemed open, I
continued: "If I make a plan, to hit him where he will hurt, will you
support that?"
"Ryndra…whatever you want to do
to that clown, to hurt him, I got your back…but don’t try to play me; you can’t
have us both."
"You cant have us both,"
he repeated, under his breath, looking left and right - to make the turn into
my family home’s parking lot.
"I am going to my cousin's
house, Upstate, to figure out a plan. You know I cant do it here," I
said, nodding to indicate my mother's home. "Can you take me?"
As soon as I hit my cousin China’s
front doorstep, we started plotting. Chimeze's foot was on the medal, and
speeding his way to work, as soon as he knew I was good - so I would fill him
in on what’s what, as soon as he was off and back in my arms. He had held
me up before I left the car earlier, and kissed me. It was really erotic and
new, and I felt extremely powerful, flooded with it - even more so than I did,
when I received my cut of the pill sales, on a weekly basis from P.B., and subsequently paid off chunks of my massive student loan debt. I felt powerful because I
knew he was doing this for me - this stepping out of his comfort zone. It
made me even more determined to bring Gerald’s bitch-ass to his fucking knees
with regret for trying to take me away from Chimeze...and I was willing to go to very bottom of the rabbit hole to do it
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| MOOD |
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