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| Get Into It |
After a
long day of catching up, walking and driving around the western portion of the
Isle Of Cuba, Javier finally got the call indicating grandma was home. Our
conversation had drained me: unabashed honesty will do that to you; I didn’t
see how I could go home and implement a lifestyle change of any sort now.
Not when mere conversation about then, now exhausted me. I wasn’t
in a hurry to do whatever my grandmother would require of me, as it was sure to
include physical labor. "So, did you love him," Javier asked, interrupting
my deep ponderance of a moment.
"Who,"
I coyly questioned, maintaining my stare over the sand, over the water -
looking for what I don’t know.
"You know who the hell I mean,
Ryndra. You know who the hell I mean! This Chi…how you say it?
The African dude? Did you love him or were you just being with him?
Honestly, it doesn’t even matter now…I just want to know…" I took a moment because I
wanted to be as honest as possible in characterizing the scope of Chimeze and
I’s relationship; "Remember the guy before Chimeze, the one I told you
about?"
"Andrew?"
"Yes…Andrew…I appreciated
Andrew, but I didn’t love Andrew. Not really. I was embarrassed
when Andrew had me living in his house, and had me changing everything about
me…for him, out of appreciation for how he rescued me from drowning in failure
- after the eviction. He took me to dinner and he was an amazing lover -
in Puerto Rico and in queens. When he cheated, I wanted to kill his ass
and I almost did; I didn’t love him, but when we started I figured, I could
learn to. Even though I had promised myself I would never learn to love
anyone; it would just be or it wouldn’t be…. But, Chimeze…man, I love him."
"Still," he asked.
"Like, in this moment, you miss him?"
I nodded yes.
Javier stepped to my side, to assist
me in stepping over the rocks, separating the beach from the water.
"Well, if it’s like that - he will come back, so no worries."
"No…"
"No, what?"
"He isn’t coming back, not
anytime soon."
"Why do you say that?"
"He doesn’t love complicated
women, he wants something simple and easy; something more in line with his
romantic energy. And like I told you…the second hand plans, the duplicate
watches and stuff; he never really loved me anyway."
"I don’t think that’s all that
accurate, R."
"Not accurate?" I
raised my eyebrow at Javier. He needed to know how ridiculous he sounded.
Damned ridiculous. "I know he already had someone lined up to
take my place when I did cheat. He doesn’t love, he just doesn’t
want to be alone. I was not special to him. Just like he had me
lined up, I am sure he had another 'friend' waiting in the cut…Someone he was
calling a friend, but treating like girlfriend number 2 - while we were still a
supposed item," I stated firmly, narrowing my eyes, but turning my back to
him.
"Look, I didn’t realize it
then, but he was using me to make some girl jealous…and that’s cool. But
if he would've told me, I would've helped him. He didn’t have to use
me...and you don’t know, you don’t even know him. He was not a good boyfriend to
me, so 'dead' feeling sorry for him. He knew what he was doing, and I
just went with the flow of things. I am not the bad guy here - I’ve never
done this before. Grandma would've told you and this is the first time
she's summoned me down this way…"
I turned, and walked swiftly to the
passenger side of the car, to indicate that I was ready to go. "Do you still love him?"
"Yeah, I still love him.
It’s just hard because I struggle with whether he deserved my love - like
now - or ever. I wasn’t even cheating on him. I was trying to keep
his ass safe. I loved him enough to keep him at a distance, while I
worked on figuring out what to do with Gerald. And instead of listening to me, he listened to other people..." I said leaning against the passenger side door.
"You know being
sick slows me down and having so much on my plate just isn't good for me.
He works 'day to day' as a nurse, so he’s got to know how it is. I
just don’t understand why he couldn’t give me the time I asked for - to think
on the situation, and fix it. Properly. And for good. He was
just pressing me, and making it all about his feelings, instead of
common sense. He would always ask his friends for advice about our
situation, but he didn’t even have all of the information his damn self, so I
know he wasn’t decimating it to them properly. Always worried about the
men in my life, as if there was ever any man around me that I would ever have
allowed to take his place –ever! If I wanted them over him, wouldn’t I
just go be with them? They would all be pleased as punch to be with
me…"
Javier walked over to my side of the
car, and placed his arms around my shoulder, leaning against the car with me -
looking directly in my face. "Did you ever say anything about this -
to him?" I nodded, yes. "So, what did he say about it?"
"He said I was scared, and I was
scared; about making the wrong moves and someone that I loved getting hurt.
It’s like he didn’t see me move from my mom’s, to a room, to an apartment
in a little over 365 days. He should’ve trusted me. If he loved me
the way I love him, he would have trusted me. Honestly, I would rather do
this on my own, than allow him to be around, making emotional moves and fucking
everything up for the both of us. He’s impulsive about everything,"
I said leaning on the car.
"Trying
to teach people lessons, throwing shots at me online, calling me a gold-digger,
but he doesn’t know shit; not about me, my intentions, what’s important to me,
and certainly not about my character. Sometimes the best move is no move
at all. I really believe that. I’ve stood still so many times when
emotionally I wanted to do something, anything - but it wouldn’t have been the
smart thing."
Javier slid his arm back and leaned
to the side, "Well, did you try to get him back?"
"OMG Javier, that was when I
let my emotions get the best of me. I went to his house, wrote him 200
plus letters, and called him and whatnot. I didn’t want to lose him.
Not after, I incorporated him into my life to the point where I was
'doing for us,' not really just for me. I even said I was sorry for
things I didn’t even do; that shit was madness. It never happened before
and it will never happen again. It’s just crazy how I wasted all of that
on a nigga who didn’t believe in me…I’m just like everyone else to him, even
though I’m nothing like anyone he's ever known… He didn’t even go that hard to
get me back."
"Yeah, I don’t know him. But you know what you did was wrong. Regardless of how he set it up.
My cousin, Ryndra would never cheat. It’s one thing to date around,
but cheating? You need to check your moral compass - do it now,"
Javier said as he started walking to the car…
"How do you know he’s moved on
anyway? You said you aren’t checking his social media anymore - so?"
he threw out.
"I just know. That’s just
how he does…I’ve known him for three years, it’s a pattern that he promised not
to catch me up in - but he lied. He has this close female friend that
he's desperately in love with, but she doesn’t like him like that - so he
spends a lot of time and money on other woman so she can see and think:
"That could be me. Shit!"
"That seems super involved, R.
Are you sure," he asked, opening the passenger-side of the car door.
"If that’s the case, I don’t know why you stepped back into the ring
with him; on the relationship tip. I’m just glad you didn’t bring him
here, because I would’ve had to be the bad guy, 'like R, he isn’t the one.'
And that would've been crazy because no one knows how you listen to me.
I would've made you listen, though."
"He’s not coming back because
he told me he wouldn’t. And his pride….his pride, and his 'supportive'
but misinformed friends are gonna force him to keep that promise. It’s
just annoying because I asked his ass if he thought I loved him, and he said,
"I know you love me because you do a lot for me that no one else
would." Now, if he knows that, why would he --" I wiped the
tears from my eyes. "Man, fuck him. I don’t even care.
I’m getting stressed talking about this man who wasted my time; I pretty
much built his ass a home, cooked for him, involved him in every decorating
decision, but my word doesn’t hold any weight?!"
I leaned back into the warm leather
seating, “He had the nerve to hear people who wouldn't even get his ass from the hospital over me. And he had the nerve to claim that I was using him!"
"Using
him. Using him for what?" Javier said, while looking at me with the 'stop
playing' face.
"Oh, well apparently he
believed that he was the guy I presented to my family, while I pandered Gerald
for thug love. Complete bullshit," I told Javier.
I would never forget the day he said
that mess to me. Over the phone, and not to my face. I wonder which
one of his bitch-ass friends fed him that shit. As if he was the best guy
I ever dated. Why would I use him as parent candy…him? I know men
who don’t live with their parents, have good credit, drive nice cars and who
have never tried to tell me I was ugly, needed too much attention or was too
sick for them to consider paying for dinner. Why him? I was
enraged, so I just let him all the way live.
" The problem is that veryone just wants
immediate gratification; just because I wouldn’t handle it at that moment, he
felt like I wasn’t gonna handle it at all…"
I
teared up, thinking about how stupid this all was.
Javier patted me on the back,
adjusted the scarf before starting the car and steering toward the mountains
that sit closest to grandma’s house, making sure we were going like 80, before
turning with a smile to inform me:
"Oh, and Grandma knows, so
you're gonna have to confront that demon. I know she’s gonna get on you
because she got on me…about the cheating bit. you know she doesn't play that..."
"Jav', I don’t even want to
really get into that because you know she won’t give a damn about what he did
to me, to make me go there."
"Yep,
Ryn…it’s going to be all about you. All about you."
"And what does that have to do
with Gerald? Chimeze is gone! So why can’t the focus just be on
making Gerald go too? I really don’t want to see my grandma, for the
first time in years, and have a heavy ass conversation about 'cheating'"
that was over and done with – over two years ago. OVER TWO YEARS ago.
If she wanted to talk about that, we should have – she should have
invited me here over a year ago. I know I was wrong, but it’s fucked up
to heap this on me-like this."
"All because I’m the female.
Even though he’s older and should know how to treat a woman, I’m to
blame?"
Javier just 'side eyed' me, instead
of answering, and stepped on the accelerator - as if he worried about me trying
to escape.
"Well, how about everytime
Gerald smacks me, kicks me or punches me - Chimeze gets his pound of flesh.
Since his feeling are the only ones that matters...And guess what, I’m
not going anywhere, because he won’t let me…and even if I could, I need him to
take care of me…like a fucking old lady," I huffed, staring out the
window.
When Javier reached over, to hug me
or comfort me - in some form - I pushed his hand away.
Luckily for him,
he kept to his end of the car and focused on the drive. I don’t need my
family to pander to my emotions. I just needed them to be people.
They like to sit in judgement and tell others what they would or wouldn't
do, but the truth is - they don’t know anything. All of this pressure
only made me not want to tell them about everything with Gerald; it made me
want to just go back and try to make it work - because the outside pressure,
with crumbling inside support, was collapsing me. As crazy as it sounds,
sometimes I felt like Gerald was all I had.
At least he felt guilty about what
he did. I
knew it would be like this-in Cuba. From the moment I got the letter, but I had
hoped the 'intervention' would involve relaxing on the beaches and detoxing
versus the hard physical labor my grandma is known to use when she feels you
have morally erred.
I walked in, expecting to be on one end of a hug, but
was instead met with a soul-shaking slap.
"You know better," Grandma
stated firmly. She
transitioned right back to stirring the pot on the stove so smoothly, that I
think she may have hit me with the spoon. "What was that about
Grandma," I yelled.
Lower your voice in my house.
Don’t get excited Ms. Wright. So I took my ass over to the dinning
room table, and had a seat. There was no way to win. Not here, in
front of Javier. All that would matter is the tone of the conversation
once he left. Then I would know what was up - and why - for real.
***
"If you loved him 'sooooo much' -like you claim , you wouldn’t
have cheated on him," my grandmother said to me matter of factly.
"Now go on over there and move that wood, on the east side of the
yard to the fire pit," she directed. I grabbed two wood pieces and
attempted to take them to the place she initially pointed out, "Ms.
Wright, what are you even doing? It will take you all day if you move
them two at a time. Use the gloves, take them by the arm-load….Don’t play
with me, Ryndra! Don’t," she admonished, as I grabbed enough wood to
have a complete armful, staring at her meanly. "You might as well
keep your evil looks to yourself, I don’t care about them," she stated, as
I walked past her.
"Grandma, so if he loved me
would he have gone on dates with other women, tortured me by withholding his
attention and affection? Would he have treated me so poorly when we met?
If he loved me? What about him? What standards does he have
to meet, as a man? You are always talking about women; what we should be
wearing, doing, cooking, or how we should smell…to keep a man interested, but
what about them? What should they be doing to keep a woman interested in
keeping them interested? That’s what the he --"
"Watch yourself now," she
said - curbing my language - while grabbing a few pieces from the woodpile and
starting up the fire pit. "That man hit you upside your head so
hard, that you think you bad enough to cuss in front of me," she looked up warningly, before using the wood to dig in to the ground - setting a foundation
for what would eventually be a raging fire. Picking herself up, dusting off
her knees and stretching her back, she waived me off, when I ran to her side to
assist. "Don’t assist me - assist yourself; you have a problem - a
real problem... ummhhmmm, and we're going to talk about it, but when you go
home, you better do everything I’ve told you. You didn’t want that young
man, whats his name?"
"Chimeze?"
"Yeah, yeah. You didn’t
want Chimeze questioning your timetable, well you 'had best not' question mine.
Lord, help you if you do. Better yet, if you give me any feeling
that you are anything but eternally grateful for me helping you out of
this mess….if I even feel a cold shoulder by way of New York, I swear I will
put a curse on you that you will never be able to shrug off."
Staring at me expectantly, Grandma
continued:
"Do you know, you could be
dead? Like, do you realize that man could have killed you? My
baby!? And then what, you are just gone? And I'd have to go to my
youngest grand-babies funeral? My great-great-great grand has to look at
her aunt’s face - smiling from inside a casket? Have you lost your mind?
Was it made out of gold? Tell me, was it," she screamed in my
face.
"You
better not miss a beat," she said wiping the dirt from her Bermuda shorts
as she turned her back to the fire and headed into the house. When she got to the top of the
stairs, she turned, "What are you doing there - like a bump on a log?
Get in here! All of this work is for you, so you have to help me
set it up and break It down. A lot of people are coming to help me pray
for you and lay hands on you. I don’t have time for you to move slow.
So come on and eat some of this food, so you can be ready for what’s next
and what’s to come," turning back toward the house while shaking her head.
I must have been standing frozen, as
a few moments later she yelled, "What's taking so long?! Come eat
your food before it gets cold! Come on!..."
I put the last piece of wood in the fire pit and hustled in the house.
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| MOOD |
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I totally appreciate this :-)